


at great cost to oneself

by AlainaCorrigan, Guzmanasol



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Connor makes poor relationship decisions, Gen, Loneliness, Making yourself miserable because you can't use your words, People Pleasing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 05:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11776044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlainaCorrigan/pseuds/AlainaCorrigan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guzmanasol/pseuds/Guzmanasol
Summary: Connor likes making people happy, and falls in love with happy people. Too bad he's not one of the people he makes happy.





	at great cost to oneself

**Author's Note:**

> this one hurt to write. so it absolutely had to be shared. sorry not sorry - shan
> 
> I am incapable of writing happy things, and this time we shared the misery - kayla

Connor has always had a big heart. He’s known this since he was small, always wanting to be around people and make them happy. He likes to please people, always likes to see them smile at him when he gives them what they want. It started off innocent: wanting to make his parents proud of him so they smile and hug him. Then it extends to making Cam proud, making his team proud, and then he goes to Erie.

Things are different in Erie. They were the worst team in the OHL last season. They drafted a fifteen year-old Connor because they think he can change that. He wants to prove to everyone that he can do this, that he belongs in the OHL already. He loves hockey, he loves his teammates (Burkie and Brownie are great guys to hang out with and Burkie gives such good hugs), but it’s draining to be losing so much. All Connor wants to do is win games for his team, see them smile. He wants them to smile at him, to be proud of him, and give him hugs. 

Connor shrugs it off, doesn’t think much of it. He’s always wanted to make people proud, this isn’t any different. Until Dylan Strome comes to Erie.

Connor’s second year in Erie is Dylan’s first. Connor knows that Dylan is a good hockey player, he’d seen him play in the GTHL, in tournaments that only Connor follows with any intensity. Connor wants Dylan to feel welcome in Erie and to feel like they are accomplishing something. So that first day in the locker room, Connor sits down next to Dylan and says, “I’m excited to play with you. We’re gonna make good things happen here.” Dylan gives him a smile and nods his head. Connor falls a little in love with that smile, the flash of teeth and ease of it. He feels his heart swell, the way it used to in kindergarten when he’d meet a new friend and immediately declare them his best friend. Dylan’s already his best friend and they’ve barely spoken ten words to each other. But Connor knows that Dylan is special. They’ll be special together.

And they are special together. They help turn the Otters around and grow closer everyday. The level of co-dependency would probably be concerning if they weren’t hockey players, but everyone lets it slide because they are hockey players. And everyone knows that Connor is a tactile person, an affectionate person. Connor and Dylan spend road trips leaning on each other on the bus and curling up on each other to sleep. There are times when a jolt of the bus will wake up Connor and he’ll see Dylan fast asleep, leaning on him, and Connor will sigh. His heart will clench with want and love, but he’ll say nothing. Because Connor has a big heart and he’s not ready to just share it with Dylan. No, not yet. But they can have this. So Connor will take a breath before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep again. Not yet, but maybe someday.

Mitch Marner plays for the London Knights. Mitch is Dylan’s “rival” but Connor thinks they’re just too similar to get along right now. Connor meets Mitch after one of their games in London, runs into him in the back hall of the rink, hair dripping down his neck from his shower. Mitch has a dumb haircut but it still makes Connor smile. Mitch smiles back at him, wide and blinding. Mitch is happy, happy to be in the OHL and playing somewhere close to home. He’s also happy to meet Connor, knows they don’t live too far apart and maybe they can play some street hockey during the summer? Connor nods, still distracted by Mitch’s smile. How can it be that wide and bright? Mitch is only 16, how can his smile look so good? 

And then, Connor feels his heart swell because Mitch is so excited to be talking to him and making plans to play hockey over the summer and it’s endearing. Connor doesn’t want to do anything to make Mitch stop smiling. It’s dumb, but Connor can’t explain why he loves people. It happens and he can feel it in his heart, his heart that is too damn big and loves way too easily. 

It distracts him all the way back to Erie. Dylan can tell that something is bothering him, but just lets Connor cuddle him and sit quietly. Connor’s thankful for it, thankful that even though Dylan is horrible at hiding his concern he’s just letting Connor be. It’s a strange realization to be having on a bus full of teenage boys, that he’s on his way to being in love with both Dylan Strome and Mitch Marner. He’s not in love yet, but it’s so close, like how you can see sunrise coming before dawn by the way the sky goes to gray and pink. How is it even possible to love two people at once? How does he even bring it up to them? It’s a lot and slightly overwhelming. Connor turns his head into Dylan’s shoulder under the guise of getting some sleep. He feels Dylan’s arm wrap around his shoulder and he tries to relax into it. He’s definitely not burrowing away from the world, hiding from his problems. Definitely not. 

Connor keeps making Dylan smile, hopes his texts and snapchats are making Mitch smile, and somewhere between games and practices and dumb nicknames he falls in love, finally and fully.

Connor sits on the knowledge that he loves Mitch and Dylan for a while. It sits there and festers. It does not go away, as he’d foolishly hoped, if anything it grows. The more time he spends around Dylan, becoming closer with him, the more he falls in love. Dylan’s not just a talented hockey player, he’s smart and sees so much. He knows so much about the game, about stats and it’s amazing to just sit and listen to Dylan talk. It certainly doesn’t help Connor’s problem though. Listening to Dylan talk, getting know him better over the years in Erie, it only makes Connor love him more. 

And then there’s Mitch. They started texting after the incident at Budweiser Gardens, keeping up a steady stream of conversation. It’s funny to see both sides of Dylan and Mitch’s rivalry, to hear both of them complain about the other. Not that it helps Connor’s issue of being in love with both of them. He knows that their rivalry was founded on them competing against each other in the GTHL and annoying each other at every opportunity. It’s so stupid and childish, and Connor just wants to slap the stupidity out of them. He wants them to see that if they work together, they could both be great and one day they’ll have to work together. He knows they’ll make a World Juniors team together, if they can get their shit together enough to play well with each other they’ll be unstoppable. 

But no, Connor’s in love with two stubborn idiots. It’s frustrating for the first year, but then Connor’s prediction comes true and Mitch and Dylan play together at the U17 Hockey Challenge and light it up. And suddenly, the rivalry is dead. Or at least, it’s a joke. And if Connor thought it was hard being in love with those two when they hated each other, it’s even worse now that they’re buddies. Mitch and Dylan constantly blow up their group chat and Connor’s phone with dumb jokes and chirps and it’s killing him a little. They get along so well and it makes it easier for Connor to imagine what it would be like if he told them he loves them. What it would be like if the three of them were in a relationship. 

He’s done some research, Connor knows that open or polyamorous relationships exist and can work (and he’s been thorough, keeping to reputable sources. He’s learned something in English, even if he does spend half of the class watching Dylan annoy whoever is unlucky enough to sit next to him that day). They take a lot of communication, but they can work. And Connor wants it, he wants it so badly with Mitch and Dylan. But he can’t just tell them that. What if things go back to the way they were? Mitch and Dylan are friends now, Connor doesn’t want to ruin that with his stupidly big heart. 

Connor lays on his bed, trying to think of why this is a bad idea and why he shouldn’t tell Mitch and Dylan. For once, there’s some good coming from the fact that they are all hockey players (well, beyond a love of the game that feels bone deep) so Connor can easily talk himself down by reminding himself that they’re most likely going to play on different teams around the continent. They won’t always be this close geographically. Not that Erie and London are particularly close. But when they reach the NHL, and they all will, having a relationship that requires that much communication is basically impossible. Besides, who would want to date someone who’s seen as the next coming of Gretzky anyway? Mitch and Dylan have enough pressure on them, they don’t need the added stress of Connor and the baggage that comes with him. It’s easier to not tell them, to wait for something easier and less complicated. 

So Connor keeps his mouth shut, he deals with Mitch and Dylan and their antics. The three of them are pretty good friends and spend some time during the summer together. They play ball hockey in the Strome-McLeod tournament and it’s not terrible. Connor’s even thinking he has his feelings under control.

And then he gets named to the 2015 World Juniors team. He’s playing for Canada’s World Juniors team and the tournament is in Canada. He’s named to the team with Max Domi, Sam Reinhart, and Aaron Ekblad. Connor played with Aaron at last year’s World Juniors. Or, they were at least on the team together and got to know each other. Coming back to a somewhat familiar team this year, it’s easier to get things started in camp and joke around with everyone. Aaron is still his relaxed, confident self. It’s not in a cocky way, but Aaron is currently playing in the NHL and on loan for World Juniors. He looks good, probably better than he should at 18 almost 19, and Connor...well Connor’s maybe falling in love with him. He’d felt it last year, a tug on his heart and a sense of nervousness whenever he was around Aaron, that familiar added intensity to his normal urge to make people happy that comes with a crush for Connor. It’s definitely back again this year.

But Aaron doesn’t even end up playing in the tournament. He gets a concussion in one of their pre-tourney games against the Czech Republic and that’s that. Connor’s out of his mind with worry the rest of the game and races back to their hotel room. Aaron looks small and unsure laying on his bed in the dark. Connor makes a small noise and goes to sit with him, careful not to jostle him too much. They sit there in the dark, silent, for a while. Connor feels Aaron relax next to him as time passes. He falls asleep eventually and Connor knows he should go sleep in his bed, knows that Aaron probably doesn’t want to be cuddled an entire night. Something keeps Connor from moving though. He strips down to his boxers and tshirt, and falls asleep on Aaron’s bed, a protective arm wrapped around his shoulders. Connor blames it on a sense of responsibility for his roommate, on looking after a friend. Connor blames it on everything except the truth. Once again, Connor is falling for someone and wants to stay close to them, soak them in like the sun. He doesn’t know how to bring it up, so he just stays close and looks after Aaron. It’s more than a little pathetic, but Connor can’t help it. He wants to, wants to shut his heart up and put a cap on it. He knows that Aaron is most likely heading back to Florida in the morning and yet, he’s still falling for him. It’s routine now, as common as the sun rising each morning.

He sleeps restlessly, waking up frequently to check on Aaron and then taking a while to settle down and sleep again. It’s during those times spent trying to sleep that Connor lets his mind wander and wonders why he keeps falling for people, why he doesn’t ever seem to be out of love. Just because he’s now a little in love with Aaron doesn’t mean he’s stopped loving Mitch and Dylan. It’s like his heart keeps growing to accommodate these people. He wants it to stop, to put a cap on how many people he can love before it’s too late and he gets hurt at every turn. Connor knows how hockey works, people get traded away, they get injured, they retire. Nothing is permanent and if he falls in love this easily, he’s going to get hurt. He doesn’t want to live in fear of falling in love with people and keep everyone at arm's’ length, that’s not who he is. But he can’t keep letting people get so close, because they get close and Connor falls for them. 

In the morning, Aaron gets sent back to Florida for recovery. Connor mopes a bit and everyone tells him that Aaron will be okay, things will be alright. He shouldn’t be too sad about his friend. Except Connor isn’t just sad about his friend being sent home. No, Connor is worried about Aaron and now harboring a broken heart because who knows when he’ll see Aaron next. It sucks, it hurts, and Connor needs to get over it. 

So he takes a deep breath, puts on a brave face, and just plays. He focused on hockey, on this team. Sure, he texts Dylan and Mitch when he has the time but all of his focus is on World Juniors and playing his best. Connor’s gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing over the years and manages to shut up his mind and heart. He boxes away any emotions not directly tied to hockey and just plays. 

And it gets them a gold medal. 

After the celebrations have calmed down a bit, Connor sits by himself on the balcony of his room, hoping the brisk night will bring some of the clarity that the chill of the rink does. He’s exhausted, because international tournaments bring time changes and high pressure and competition, and a million other things that drain players. But they did it. And he didn’t let his heart get in the way. If he can just shove it away and push everything his stupid, too big heart wants to feel down and not listen to it he can win. He can do whatever he wants to on the ice, so long as his heart doesn’t get in the way. 

Realizing that hurts like a check to the boards, because that realization shows the way to more heartbreak, exhaustion, and loneliness but it’s the only thing he can think to do. Connor vows to himself to not let his heart get in the way of hockey. He’ll shove the feelings down, ignore them, and just focus on hockey. If he can win a gold at World Juniors doing it, who can say what comes next?


End file.
